she gets home from school to early
and closes the door to her room
theres nothing inside her
shes weak and she tired
of feeling like this..
they call her for dinner
she makes up a reason
she looks at her arms and she
rolls down her sleeves and
her mother is starting
to see thru her lies
and last nite her father
has tears in his eyes
and they rise in the morning
and they sleep in the dark
and even tho nobodys looking
shes falling apart........

Sometimes I wonder how come I knew more about my life and what i wanted to do with the rest of my l ife when I was a freshmen and sophomore in high school then I do now?  Just been wondering about a lot of things i guess.  I just really don't know what im doing anymore. So someone said to me today, your just the type of person to go with the flow, and do whatever.  that is true, I can be chill, but I also use to always know what I wanted.  This is also true with relationships.  Things are great with mike, but im not sure I want to jump into anything big again.  I really don't know what i want anymore.  I thought going home this past weekend would clear my head, but I kind of just took a break from reality and had fun and didn't think about anything relativly important.  I am just so stressed, with school, money, finding a job for the summer or where im gonna live, I havn't decided where Im gonna go this summer, either Jersey shore, or PA.  I want the summer...back when things were so simple.  Back when i spent all my time with my best friends and all we did was have fun. hmmm until then here are some pix from my AMAZING weekend home!

Partying at Drexel University

at the bars in South Philly

If it was my idea for it to be over, I didn't want to be with him anymore, I wanted him out of my life why do I feel like this?  He's gone, the pain should be over.  It's only been a day but sometimes I feel happy because I realize how much pain he caused me, and how he was always making me upset.  On the other hand I feel upset and I hate what i turned into.  I turned into everything I was always against.  I tryed so hard to be what he wanted, that I didn't care about me and I just wanted to make him happy so I changed myself. I hate girls that do that, how did I become one of them?  Today I was so happy, I felt relieved, like this is a new start, I can just be me again.  But now I find myself sitting here late at night hating myself.  I don't even hate him, I hate myself for changing so much into doing whatever he wanted.  I was always so strong when it came to relationships, I know what i want and that is how it was going to be.  Not this time.  I never realized how painful this was until it was over.  I lied to myself.  I told myself I was so happy with him and everything was great.  Nothing in our relationship was what I wanted.  I gave up everything, even who I was in hopes that he would care.  I hate myself for opening my heart so much to him.  I hate that I never forced him to do anything for me and that was always willing to do everything for him.  I hate it all and right now I just hate life.

I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore the real me
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away